I still find it hard to tell people, I mean obviously all the important people in my life and my mom’s life know, but its the people who are on the fringes of our life that I am finding myself telling. And it’s hard.
My mother, my aunt, and I all go to the same nail salon near our homes. And our nail techs all knew we were related and would always ask us about the others. Well returning home from Missouri, I naturally went to my nail salon. One of the techs asked how my mom was (obviously because he hasn’t seen her in a while) and I lied, I said “she’s ok”. I just could not tell him that she died. Because I just could not say the words and I did not want to deal with all the sympathy and the emotions that come with telling someone that my mom is dead. And I knew that they would all be really nice and sympathetic, we have been going to the same salon since I was 18, but I just did not want to cry in the middle of the day. So I lied, and I feel awful about it, but I just could not deal with it.
And tomorrow, I am going to see my tattoo artist, who happens to be a childhood friend of my brother, and who obviously knew my mother. He is going to ask about her and I am going to have to tell him my mom died. I can’t lie to him (and the guilt of the lie would bother me).
It’s just so hard to tell people that knew my mother, but did not “know” my mother, about her death. Mainly because I just do not want to deal with it. I think that is awful and selfish, but this is how I am dealing. I left for Missouri 6 weeks after my mother died, so I barely mourned and was not able to fully deal with her death at home. Now I resort to lying to people because I do not want to open that scar. It is me dealing, I suppose.
I will not lie to anyone else about my mother’s death, but I just did not know how to react. It is so hard to tell people, it is much easier to say “she is ok” then tell the truth. Because I am still healing.