But seriously, how do you not remember everything that made you happy? How do I stop remembering things about my mom? How do I stop looking at something and having it remind me of my mother? Because I would really like to know, because I feel like I am still perpetually sad, and I just don’t want to cry anymore. I think I have enough crying and I want to move to the “happy” part. You know that part of mourning that people talk where you only remember the good times? But when I remember the good times it makes me sad, because I won’t be able to remember those things with my mom and be able to do them with my mom again. So when does that part come? Because I would really like that to happen before I go home.
I know I have talked about this before, but I am having serious anxiety about going home. When I get home it will be just shy of the 18 month anniversary of my mother’s death. And I will have to face the reality that my Aunt and Brother have been living since her death. I don’t know what it feels like to go to my mom’s favorite restaurant without her, I don’t know what its like to be anywhere without her. I have been away from my home for so long, that all I know of reality is separated from the life I lived when my mom was alive. And I am afraid. I have always ran from my problems. Awful ex-boyfriend? Move across the state. Too much drama? Move across the state. Mother dies? Immerse self in military career. And now I have to face this reality head-on, and I don’t know how to cope.
And to make matters worse, my aunt changed her home number. And I know you are thinking “ok, so what?” But that is the only number I have memorized. It is the number on all of my emergency paperwork, and its like the only stable thing in my life. My aunt has had the same phone number for 20+ years and now I have to memorize a new one. And I guess it kind of freaks me out, because my mother had the same phone number from the time I was born until her death. For me those home phone numbers bring a sense of stability to my life, and now that has changed too. I feel that when I get home I have no stability.
And I am freaking out.