I have an amazing best friend who I have known for over 7 years.  We met when we were both interning in London.  She obviously knew and loved my mom very much and my mom always cared for her.  We had a big falling out right before I deployed overseas and it has taken us about four months to be able to even email each other.  And I never realized how much I needed her and my mom as my sounding boards. 

My mom was obviously my first and most best friend.  As I have said before I told my mom practically everything, and my best friend knows everything.  But with my mom gone and me and my best friend falling out, I have no one to tell everything to.  I know I have my aunt, but technology is not her friend and I just can’t tell my brother a lot of things.  

So recently I bought a new car (I know while I am overseas, its kind of crazy, that’s just what I do… rash decisions) and I wanted to tell someone so bad. And I had no one.  And it’s the kind of car I always told my mom I wanted and she always would say “I can see you in that… that’s such a Becky car”.  And now shes not here and I cant share my happiness with her. 

 When will I stop relying on my mom to be my first call, when will that instinct stop? And now that I don’t really talk to my best friend I feel so isolated and lonely.  My mom would always be my voice of reason, I mean of course she would have told me to buy the car, but she would have at least tried to reason with me the pros/cons and done the cost/benefit analysis with me.  I mean I wouldn’t have listened to her anyway, cause lets be honest, once I looked at the car I already made up my mind.  And my mom would have known that, but she would have at least helped me to rationalize this decision.  She was always there for my big life decisions and now shes not, and neither is my best friend, and I still feel lost.  What do I do now how do I fix this.  Both of them brought a balance to my life, and my mom is forever gone and my relationship with my best friend is fractured.  So what do I do? 

 How do I justify my actions, how do I make decisions now? How do I fix my relationship with my best friend?  My mom always knew the answers.

 And being deployed does not make this any easier.  I always make sure that my Soldiers call their families back home, but who do I call? My brother?  He has his own family.  My aunt?  She is old and busy with my nephews.  My mom was always there to answer her phone, well except for her cell phone that was hard to get her answer!  I just want it to be easy.  I want to talk about my mom without crying.  I want to be strong for my Soldiers but how do I do that when I cry about my mom all the time.  How can I be strong for them when no one is here to be strong for me.  My family tries, but I need my mom and my best friend.   God, I sound so emo right now, at least I still have my sense of humor!