Why is it when something, anything, happens that mildly depresses me I go into a downward spiral.  Because all I want to do is call my mom, and then I remember I can’t, and then I start thinking about my mom’s death and her suffering, and then I am crying. Hello, full on depression.

For instance, today I had a setback in my military career, which is upsetting in-and-of-itself, but then I think about calling my mom because she would know what to say.  And I can’t call her.  And so now, I am full on crying because I was upset and now I am even more upset.  This downward spiral sucks.  It just sucks.

And yesterday I really missed my mom.  Like, just some days she is all I can think about.  So, I called my aunt and she started telling that my brother is having some problems.  Naturally, that upsets me. So again full on crying, and I felt awful because I told my aunt how much I missed my mom and then we were both crying.  It is so hard trying to mourn my mother while being on the other side of the world away from my family.  And only my mom would know the right words to say to make it better. 

This spiral, its awful. It is a horrible feeling, and I know this feeling.  I spent my early 20s battling depression, and my mother battled depression her entire life (well her entire life with me).  I know depression, and I know that this could lead me there, and I am deathly afraid of being there again.  And I can’t stop it.