I have not done that in a really long time. I don’t know why, but I just could not stop thinking about my mom, and I just balled. Right into my pillow. Crying. It was so painful to just think about my mom and cry. And the only image in my head was of her on her death bed two days before she died. And then I just thought about all the things I said to her over the summer when I just couldn’t admit that my mom was dying. Like on 4th of July when I told my mom that she had to get better so we could watch the fireworks on the beach “next year”, like we did every year, instead of watching them on TV. Or when she asked what I wanted for my birthday, and the only answer I could think of was for “my mommy to get better.” I still have a hard time when I think about how much she suffered and how much I couldn’t see it, and how many times I could have been a better daughter. I was so wrapped up in who I was, and how much I needed my mom, that I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t get better. And I know how childish that sounds, but my mom was just so great that I knew she would always be there for me. And now she is not.
I am not going to lie though, it felt good to just cry and miss her. I had been thinking about her so much over the past few days that I guess I just needed to let it out. And I needed to cry. I hope she is watching over me and seeing that I am doing great things. And I hope she is watching over me as I prepare to go overseas, because lord knows I need her guidance.
It is getting easier to cope, but it is still hard when I sit (t)here and think about her. And everyone is always telling me to think about the good times, but all I can picture is my mothering suffering in the hospital for the last weeks of her life. I hope some day soon I will be able to remember the better times, but right now all I see is her suffering, dying.