Because of my military job I have been so busy lately. And when I am busy I barely think about my mom, my loss and the sadness associated with it. I don’t cry as much about it, actually I cannot remember the last time I cried over my mom (except for when I write these posts, I cannot write one without crying), but the all consuming sadness and crying don’t come anymore. I used to cry over my mom EVERYDAY, at least three times a day. And now? I don’t really cry. And I don’t know if it is because I am so busy or because I am over that phase of mourning. I mean I still think about my mother everyday, and still wear her ring, but I don’t know. I guess the whole time is healing thing is actually true. BUT when I think about how I am not really crippled by the loss anymore, I feel guilty. I feel like I should continue to be sad, that I should still mourn my mother, because if I don’t I am not honoring her anymore. I know my mother wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time, at least that is what people say, but if I am not then how will she know that I really do miss her, that I really do need her here in my life? That I still pick up my phone to call her everyday. But I am not sad. And if I am not sad, is that ok?
I just feel guilty that I am continuing without her and that I don’t cry over her anymore. Maybe it is from being raised Catholic. I don’t know but I do know the guilt hurts.