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Because of my military job I have been so busy lately.  And when I am busy I barely think about my mom, my loss and the sadness associated with it.  I don’t cry as much about it, actually I cannot remember the last time I cried over my mom (except for when I write these posts, I cannot write one without crying), but the  all consuming sadness and crying don’t come anymore.  I used to cry over my mom EVERYDAY, at least three times a day.  And now? I don’t really cry.  And I don’t know if it is because I am so busy or because I am over that phase of mourning.  I mean I still think about my mother everyday, and still wear her ring, but I don’t know.  I guess the whole time is healing thing is actually true.  BUT when I think about how I am not really crippled by the loss anymore, I feel guilty.  I feel like I should continue to be sad, that I should still mourn my mother, because if I don’t I am not honoring her anymore.  I know my mother wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time, at least that is what people say, but if I am not then how will she know that I really do miss her, that I really do need her here in my life?  That I still pick up my phone to call her everyday.  But I am not sad.  And if I am not sad, is that ok?  

I just feel guilty that I am continuing without her and that I don’t cry over her anymore.  Maybe it is from being raised Catholic.  I don’t know but I do know the guilt hurts.