My military job is sending me overseas for a year and I know that if my mother was here she would be less than thrilled about it. I know she would have worried and just done all the mom things that she always did when she worried. Of course she would not have been able to stop me from going and I know she would have supported me leaving, but I know as my mom she would have had a really hard time about it. So I am thankful that I did not have to tell her. And I am thankful that I don’t have to tell her. And I am thankful that she won’t be at home worrying about me every day. But at the same time I want her here. I want to call and tell what is going on. I want to let her know that I am ok, and that I am doing something I love. And I want her to know that this is such an exciting adventure I am on. But I can’t.
It is so hard not having my mom here to support me, and to ask me questions about it, and to hug me. I mean I am very lucky to a small but supportive family. And they have been there to help me prepare for this, but its not the same. So when my unit had a farewell event, almost my entire family showed up, and I felt great knowing that they were there supporting me. They bring smiles to my face in the absence of my mother. The farewell was a crazy, emotional event, but I did not cry. I was so worried about the event itself that I did not have to realize and to process that it was THE farewell event. So I did not cry and I was not overly sad. My family was there and I was enjoying their company. That is until I was saying good bye to my brother and nephew. Right before they said goodbye I had this little conversation with my nephew and brother:
Bro: Tell Aunt what you saw at the ceremony.
Nephew: I saw a ghost.
Me [being skeptical]: Oh yea who?
I lost it. Tears. Waterworks. The whole shebang. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I wanted my mom there so bad, I wanted to hug her. I wanted her being the one to tell me to “be safe”. But instead there I was crying, in uniform, with my brother and nephew just looking at me.
And its weird, just that same morning I put a ring of my mother’s on the necklace that I always wear. It is a ring that has her name carved in gold, that I bought for her, that she ALWAYS wore. I found the ring on my bedroom floor (it must have fallen out of one of her jewelry boxes that I inherited) and set it aside and did not put it in my safety deposit box. Something told me to leave it out and to put it on my necklace. Maybe it was my mom, and maybe her ghost is watching over me. And if that is the case, then I guess I don’t need to tell her I am deploying, because she knows. And she will be there, watching me, when I need her, and I guess that is the best I can hope for now.