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long-road     I am currently in the middle of a road trip from Missouri back to Florida.  And it sucks, and my mom not being here makes it suck even more.

When ever I used to have long drives I would always call my mom and talk to her when I was driving.  And she would just sit there and talk to me about anything and everything.  Hearing her voice always made me feel better, especially when I didn’t want to drive anymore or when I was going somewhere I didn’t want to go.

But what makes this trip suck even more is that my mom is not here (I know I said that already… let me explain).  Because of work I had to move temporarily to Missouri, and I had known about this trip long before my mother died.  While she was still relatively well she said she would do the drive with me because she knew I was not looking forward to it.  And I would tell her: “well let’s see how you feel by then” or “I don’t think you can sit for that long”.  But the truth is, I did not want her to come with me because I knew she had to pee like every hour on the hour and I hate stopping on long drives.  And that is the most stupid and selfish reason ever. All my mom wanted to do was keep me company and make the drive better for me and I told her “No”.  Could I be anymore selfish? She was such an amazing mom and she just wanted to be with me and I couldn’t understand that. And I feel awful about it.  I can still remember my mom telling me she would go with me and I remember my internal thoughts and my reaction to her.  It must have hurt her, and I feel terrible about that. I just look back at how selfish I was and wish I could take it back.  Why couldn’t I just tell her “ok” and at least give her hope that she could come, and let her feel loved and needed?  Instead I had to be selfish.

So when I did make that trip in September it was really hard.  I cried a lot of the way.  Everything reminded me of her and I wanted her to be there.  But she wasn’t.  And all I can think of is maybe if I told her yes and gave her hope maybe she wouldn’t have given up so easily, maybe she would have fight longer because she would have known I wanted her to be there on that drive with me.

And so here I am making the reverse trip and I see so many things that remind me of her or things that I know she would love, and it reminds me of how selfish I was.   So far I haven’t cried as much this time, but my mom is still there, in my head, and it hurts.