My best friend calls me a blunter. My mother and I always referred to it as a filing cabinet. Either way, pushing things aside or to the back used to be my way of dealing with life and things. I used to be really good at being able to make it through the day, and if at all possible, not dealing with the difficult events or situations in my life. It was easy and it helped me to control my emotions and reactions. But ever since my mother’s death I have notice that the way I deal with situations has changed drastically. Instead of being able to push things aside and act like a normal, well adjusted, member of society, I focus. If anything upsets me or disturbs the balance in my perfect little world I focus on it. And dwell on it. And make it the center of my universe. And I react drastically. I cry more easily at stupid things that upset me, and trust me I never used to be a crier, at least not in front of people (I mean crying over my mother is one thing, but crying over something small and insignificant is not ok0. Because focusing is better than dealing with and remembering my mother’s death.
If I can just focus on something else, anything else, I don’t have to think about or remember that my mom is dead. And that is awful. I hate focusing on things, it is not who I am nor who I was. I don’t like when I focus on a problem. And it can be the stupidest thing, and all I do is focus and obsess over that problem. And I feel stupid. Like the thing with Him, when I found out about it, all I did was think about it and focus on it and not think about what I needed to do for work or anything, because it was just easier. I don’t like it and I don’t know how to fix it. Not that being a blunter is better, but at least I was a functioning human being and was able to deal with my problems in my way, on my time. Now I just focus on problems and let them eat me up. That’s not right. And I know this is a result of my mother’s death. I’m not sure if its because I don’t want to focus on her death, or because I don’t have her here to help me stay stable. Either way I want to stop and just go back to blunting.
I need to find a balance. Because I know that I need to accept that my mom is dead and I don’t need to overreact and focus on other events, but I just don’t know how. I need a better way of coping with my issues and my emotions. I hope that maybe I will just eventually evolve back into a blunter. Being a blunter is easy and comfortable for me. Or maybe I will find a new way to cope. Anything has to be better than focusing. Right?