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At 30 years old I feel like an orphan. My father is still alive, but as much as he tries, I just do not have a relationship with him.  He just cannot make-up for the sins of his past as a father.  My brother has his own family, and due to circumstances (i.e. his stupid “baby mama”) I am not allowed to have a close relationship with my brother or nephew.  So I am an orphan.

And Christmas highlighted that fact. Even though I did the same thing I do every year, go to dinner at my Aunt’s with my whole family, I just felt empty without my mom.  My Aunt has my uncle and cousin and my cousin’s family.  My brother has his family, and then there is me.  As much as my Aunt is trying to make me feel like her daughter, I am not.  And I know that.  I love my Aunt very much and I do, and have always had, a great relationship with her. But she is not my mom and I just cannot tell her everything.  So, sitting there at Christmas I just felt like I was looking in through the looking glass.  I just didn’t feel included.  My mother was the glue that held my family together.  It’s not that I don’t feel welcomed or loved, it’s just that everyone has their own family and I have just me.

It’s very lonely now without my mother.  On Christmas day me and my mother would always have breakfast or lunch together, or go watch a movie, because everyone else in our family had their traditions to do.  But this year I was alone.  I had no one and no one to stuff my stocking.  I spent most of the day curled up on my couch in the fetal position.  Christmas used to be my favorite holiday because mom always made it special, even when we were growing up poor.  My mother was amazing. I tried very hard to be happy.  But there was definitely a hole inside of me, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I just feel like I have no family and it’s a very hard thing to cope with.  I think about things that normal people have their mom and dad for and it makes me sad.  Like when and if I ever get married.  I decided a long time ago that my father would not walk me down the aisle.  I wanted it to be my mom and brother.  But without my mom (and because of crazy baby mama), I have no one. I have no mother to help me plan my wedding, my kids will never have a Grammy, and I have no one to laugh at my mistakes.

I know that there are other events that are going to give me the same feelings, but at least I know now that they will come and I can better handle them.  Because I think that curling up on my couch is not the right answer, although I don’t know what the right answer is, at least I can try to cope better.