I know that this is my first post and I think the rule of thumb is to give background on myself and what I am writing about. But I am not going to do that. This blog is for me to write and to release what is trapped inside of me, and the only reason I am making it public is so others can learn and know that they are not alone.
As to the title, it is true, my heart does break every single day. Nearly six months ago I lost my mother to cancer. She was my best friend. I still see her and think about her every day. And out of habit I still pick up my phone to call her every day, EVERY day. I told my mom nearly everything. And she always knew the right thing to say. And she always listened. I just want to hear her voice. But most of all I want her to tell me everything is going to be ok and to tell me that I am silly and stupid.
Like right now, I am living in a really cold region and I am not used to it. I just want to call her and tell her how cold I am and I want to hear her sarcasm and laughter. I want her to tell me how warm it is at home and I want her to laugh at me, and then I want her to turn on mom mode and make me feel better. And that is all I need right now, I just need my mom to make me feel better.
And the other reason my heart breaks every day is that because around the same time that my mother died, I lost the other love of my life, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was hurting because of my mother’s cancer and I took it out on him and it hurt his pride. I lost him forever too. I understand that I hurt his pride, but I still find it so hard to believe that I hurt him that much, after everything that we had been through. I miss him madly, truly, and deeply. I have tried to reach out to him but it appears that to him I am dead. All my friends say that if he really cared about me that he would not have left so easily. If only they knew all the dynamics of who he and I were. And sadly they did and do not.
I promise in the future that I will write more and fill in the details. But these things I needed to say now, this time.